Follow these tips if you don’t care about succeeding in job search.
- Guess what to wear – Don’t bother calling ahead if you are unsure. That black suit you wore at Uncle Bert’s funeral should be fine for the interview with the tech start-up…Also, pack that dried-snot handkerchief and make sure you pull it out often during the interview and do several loud, honking, snot-clearing blows and scrutinise the contents carefully before placing back in your pocket.
- Dress in something that’s uncomfortable and will ride up while you are seated (requiring regular adjustments, often in the groin and/or armpits area). Ideally it should still reek of alcohol, sweat, vomit or moth-balls (or ideally all of these). There’s probably some mummified wedding cake in the jacket pocket as well…
- Arrive ‘fashionably late’ for the interview and don’t apologise – So, it’s your fault you slept through the alarm? You planned to arrive for the interview exactly on time but there was no parking within 2 kilometres and the traffic was a killer. The interviewer won’t mind! They’ll know after 5 minutes you are the person for the job!
- Do minimal preparation for the interview – You know your background because you lived it! You can answer any question! How hard can it be? I know me better than anyone! Just ‘wing it’!
- Be rude and offhand to the Receptionist – This lowly minion only answers the phone and greets visitors. They’ll have no sway in the decision-making process. They don’t really exist anyway.
- Don’t make a good first impression – Look like you’ve slept in your clothes, not shaved or used deodorant (and have heartedly gorged yourself on garlic-laden kebabs the night before). Unenthusiastically grasp the interviewers hand in your sweaty palm and give them a ‘wet fish’ (limp) handshake while avoiding eye contact and mumbling something about not finding any parking. You are off to a great start!
- Grunt unintelligible replies to small talk – Who cares about the weather? The latest headline in the news or the fact the Australian rugby team suck? Just start the interview and offer me the job pronto!
- Answer your phone if it rings during the interview – It may be your mother, so no doubt it will be important and has to be immediately answered.
- When asked if you have any questions, reply, ‘Nah, I think you’ve covered everything.’ Why should you ask questions? Duh! They are the interviewer after all!
- Abuse the interviewer when they call to say you missed out on the job – They just can’t see talent can they? Oh well, their loss. You could do the job in your sleep (or more likely while you are asleep). Don’t bother asking for any constructive feedback. On to the next interview…
There are probably many more things you should not do, but you get the idea!
Interviews are challenging, but with the right preparation will allow you to present your best self and to give yourself every chance of success.